The Warning Signs That Love Is TOXIC! - How To Find REAL LOVE | Jay Shetty & Lewis Howes

Conscious Love

Lewis Howes and Jay Shetty explore the distinctions between conscious and toxic love. Conscious love involves taking emotional responsibility and accountability, while toxic love is characterized by using the relationship to serve individual needs. Jay emphasizes that conscious love requires ongoing effort and uncomfortable conversations, not superficial harmony 1. He also explains that toxic love often turns into a competition, whereas conscious love is built on healthy agreements and boundaries 2.

Toxic love is where both people are working independently to use the relationship to serve their own needs. That's toxic love. And conscious love is where both people independently take care of themselves so they can bring their best self to each other.

--- Jay Shetty

Lewis and Jay agree that conscious love is a journey of mutual growth and healing, rather than a state of being fully healed before entering a relationship.

   

Emotional Responsibility

Emotional responsibility is crucial in maintaining a healthy relationship. Jay points out that control often masquerades as care, where one partner imposes their values and expectations on the other 3. He advises against projecting one's ambitions onto a partner, emphasizing the importance of understanding and respecting each other's goals. Lewis, always open about his personal growth, asks Jay for honest feedback on his journey in love. Jay commends Lewis for his self-work and stresses that true love is not about external achievements but the continuous effort behind the scenes 4.

Control in a relationship can often look like care, but deep down you're doing it because you want to control the other person.

--- Jay Shetty

Jay's insights highlight the need for self-awareness and genuine support in relationships.

   

Comparisons

Unhealthy comparisons and criticism can severely undermine relationships. Jay explains that comparing your partner to others can make them feel devalued and unlovable, even if the comparison is subtle or passive-aggressive 5. He also warns against complaining about your partner to family and friends, as it creates a negative feedback loop. Criticism, whether about achievements or failures, increases emotional distance and makes partners feel unworthy 6.

Comparison will make your partner feel devalued and unlovable. There is nothing like comparing your partner to another person.

--- Jay Shetty

Jay suggests auditing your behavior for a week to identify and reduce these harmful patterns.